How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser.
Learning the art of saying “No.”
Change takes time, effort, and commitment. And one of the biggest obstacles of change is setting (and keeping) boundaries.
It’s human nature to want to be liked. After all, social media revolutionized our entire existence based on the concept of how much we crave approval.
However, the price we pay in exchange for that affirmation is too high. Far too often we shelve our own goals and sacrifice wellness by saying “Yes” when we should have said “No.”
Rick Nelson famously sang, "You see, you can't please everyone, so you've got to just please yourself."
If fear is the “monster” of our Summer of Change series, people-pleasing is our primary progress blocker. Ask yourself, who is prioritizing your best interest while you avoid disappointing others?
Every significant person in your life has their own agenda for how you should be spending your time. And they often believe that what they want you to do should take priority over what you want to do.
Saying “YES” to yourself instead.
For example, you intend to spend your Saturday training for that half marathon, catching up on phone calls with your girlfriends, and starting that new business book with a glass of wine and a hot bubble bath.
On the other hand, your kids intend for you to spend your Saturday driving them around to activities, doing their laundry, baking cupcakes for their school bake sale, and picking up supplies for their science project.
Like so many self-sabotaging behaviors, people-pleasing is a habit. The secret to conquering negative patterns is using a multi-pronged approach, which includes asking self-guided, thought-provoking questions for meaningful and enduring change.
Recognize when you’re doing it: It is important to notice situations in which you tend to prioritize others' needs over your own. Is there a common link? A person? What are the emotions and thoughts that come up when you feel compelled to please others? In any change journey, awareness is always step one.
Reflect on root causes: Determine what you’re trying to gain or avoid by saying “Yes” when you want to say “No.” Is it to feed a desire for approval based on past experiences of conditional love or acceptance? Maybe it’s a fear of conflict or even low self-esteem?
Replace the negative narrative: Just like how we normalized change by outsmarting the fear monster, swap untruthful beliefs with more accurate, empowering ones. For example, “If I say ‘No,’ people won't like me.” Flipped to, “If I say ‘No,’ I’ll beam with self-love from achieving my goals!”
Resolve to start small: Practice asserting yourself with lower-stake requests or situations and gradually work your way up to more challenging scenarios. Go from “No, I won’t answer emails after 8:00 pm.” to “No, I won’t work at all on my vacation.”
Don’t expect perfection: Accept that old habits die hard and that you’ll mess up sometimes. You’ll say “Yes” and regret it, you’ll break your boundaries, and you’ll probably get frustrated with yourself and even others. That’s okay! Show yourself some self-compassion, turn the page, and get back on track.
Remember your reasons for seeking change: Keep your long-term goals and values at the front of your mind when making decisions. Align your actions with what truly matters to you rather than the temporary dopamine rush of short-term approval or avoiding discomfort.
Respect feelings of guilt: It’s natural for uncomfortable emotions to happen when you prioritize yourself, but those feelings don’t necessarily mean that you're doing something wrong. Feel your feelings and try your best to let them go. Also, there’s no shame in seeking guidance from a therapist or coach if your sense of guilt persists.
Reevaluate relationships: We saved the most difficult piece of advice for last. Those who genuinely care about you will want to encourage you to thrive. If they don’t, that means they’re potentially a toxic relationship that might be doing you more harm than good.
Does it seem nearly impossible to make new friends when you’re a busy adult? Think again! A key to ending your hunger for approval is to surround yourself with a strong support network.
Arise is our community of nanny agency owners. This community offers professional resources, guidance, and compassionate teammates to help keep you accountable. Come meet us today!
"I have spent the last ten months working with Megan and her team and my agency would not be launched if it weren’t for her guidance. She is so warm and friendly and incredibly knowledgeable in our industry. Making the choice to work with her was the easiest and definitely the best decision I’ve made for my company! She is an incredible mentor and friend." - Jade Kappler, Director at Mom's Best Friend
